Комментарии экзаменатора IELTS к эссе
Все то же эссе на экологическую тематику – с исправлениями, комментариями и окончательной оценкой!
Thanks for your essay, dear Student. First, here are my corrections:
1. Although we sometimes refer to the environments as ‘our surroundings’, this does not have such a precise meaning and we use it in the plural form.
2. You could say ‘contamination of the environment’ or use the adjective form: ‘environmental contamination’.
3. Delete ‘the’. ‘Warming’ is an uncountable noun and does not necessarily take a ‘determiner’ in front of it. The expression ‘global warming’ is very general, it is not a specific reference, so we do not write ‘the’.
Here are my comments:
Although the model answer does not do this, some examiners argue (in my opinion, correctly) that we should state our position clearly in the introduction. You state your view well in the conclusion, but also do this in the introduction IF the task asks for your opinion. See also the video on Youtube by voxguru: Writing Essays 1.
It is easier to state a strong position on one or other side of the argument, rather than to take a balance position. The model answer does this.
Notice paragraph 4 in the model answer. It discusses other pressing issues facing the world today and says that solutions must also be found for these, however finding safe alternatives to fossil fuels is the most urgent problem to be solved now. This is because the task is to discuss whether this problem is the most important priority today. If you do not refer, at least briefly, to other important problems, then you have not fully completed the task.
Your paragraph structure is organised in order to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of green energy development. Paragraph 2 discusses the harms caused by the use of fossil fuels and paragraphs 3 deals with three problems associated with this development. The discussion is closely related to the task that you had to write about, but is not exactly what is required.
Your grammar and vocabulary is of a very high standard. You linked ideas well and you wrote excellent first (topic) sentences to give the reader the central idea in paragraphs 2 and 3. You gave excellent examples to support your ideas.
Although you would lose marks for failing to respond to all parts of the task question, your accurate grammar, wide range of vocabulary and clear plan would all score highly with the examiner. I give an overall score of 7.5.